"What about My Spouse?"

Tell Your Spouse

If you are married, consider discussing your experience with your spouse if you feel it is safe to do so. If you fear that your spouse may become violent or abusive upon learning about your experience, speak to a professional counselor who understands CSM so they can help you disclose the information to your spouse in a safe way.

When doing so, use the correct terminology. Acknowledge that you are a victim of clergy sexual abuse. Clarify that it was not an “affair,” as that term implies mutual consent. Sharing this website with your spouse may help them understand the nature of this form of abuse and why you are not to blame. Proper counseling will help you work through what happened and help you better understand your actions and reactions in light of the abuse and trauma.

Recognize that many marriages do not fail after clergy sexual misconduct. Spouses are often supportive and compassionate when they learn of the abuse. For some spouses, understanding the abuse helps make sense of the behavior they previously observed in the leader and their partner. For strained marriages, professional marriage counseling can bring healing. However, it is important to seek professional marriage counseling outside of the church where the abuse took place and to ensure that the therapist is educated in adult clergy sexual abuse.

Give your spouse the time they need to process the information and undergo their own healing process, which may involve feelings of anger, confusion, and other emotions.  Be aware that there are supportive resources available for spouses of clergy sexual abuse survivors, such as the Families of Survivors virtual support group provided by SNAP Network. 

While seeking support from your spouse can be helpful, it's crucial to also engage with a professional counselor for guidance and support. Do not put the burden of counseling on your spouse or share unnecessary details. Add marital counseling if your spouse is willing.

Recognize that discussing your experience with your spouse may be challenging, but seeking help and distancing yourself from the spiritual leader is crucial for your well-being. Help is out there, ready and waiting. There is hope, and you are not alone.