"Should I Tell?"

Recognize That Disclosing Is Your Decision

For survivors of abuse, sharing their experiences is difficult and deeply emotional. Coming out with your story is a courageous act that should never be treated lightly. The decision to disclose and to whom is your choice. 

One option is to disclose to a trauma-informed therapist you trust. Another option is to join an online peer-support group, such as Restored Voices Collective. Once you feel comfortable, sharing your story with fellow survivors can be healing. 

Because clergy sexual misconduct cases are often mishandled by religious leaders, it is recommended that you privately consult a lawyer who is educated in adult clergy sexual abuse before disclosing the abuse to religious leaders. A lawyer can help you explore your options and know your rights so that you do not feel pressured by religious leaders as they make decisions in response to your abuse disclosure. Boz Tchividjian of Boz Law PA is one recommended litigator experienced in representing survivors of adult clergy sexual abuse and investigating abuse in religious institutions. 

A personal lawyer can help you decide whether or not to participate in an investigation requested by the religious leaders and what to do if the leaders request you to sign a non-disclosure agreement (NDA). Do not sign an NDA if requested by the religious institution or perpetrator without consulting your lawyer and coming to full agreement with the terms. Choosing to sign an NDA is your choice but know that NDAs rarely benefit the survivor. 

If your church is part of a denomination that has policies in place regarding clergy sexual misconduct, you may consider reporting the abuse through an official complaint (e.g., Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles, Presbyterian Church [U.S.A.], United Methodist Church [UMC]). 

It is recommended that you do not attend a meeting alone to disclose the abuse to religious leaders. Consider bringing a supportive friend, advocate, or counselor with you who understands CSM. 

Seminaries and universities should all have sexual misconduct policies in place and directions on how to report violations. This should be the same for parachurch ministries. If you work for the ministry, you may choose to report the abuse to the human resources department. 

It is important to keep in mind that reporting the misconduct may not result in action on the part of the leadership, denomination, or religious institution. Inaction or mishandling of abuse cases are unfortunately common. However, a failure to acknowledge the experience of the victim and properly handle abuse cases reflects poorly on the leadership, not you. Your decision to report can help you regain your voice, bring attention to the issue, help others to speak out, and hopefully de-platform the abuser. Keep records of your communication, as it can prove helpful in the future. 

Once you feel ready and have been able to process what happened to you, you may want to share your story with a wider audience. Consider purchasing an umbrella insurance policy that protects against libel, defamation, or slander. Read the terms carefully. 

Remember, your decision to disclose the abuse or speak out is a personal decision that is entirely up to you.