“I have questions about what I'm experiencing.”

Question: “It has been discovered that my pastor has been having an 'affair' with a church member. Some say that the woman seduced the pastor. Others say that the pastor took advantage of a church member. What should I believe?"

Answer: Although it is difficult to believe that your pastor is capable of taking advantage of another church member, when a pastor engages in a so-called "romantic" or "sexual relationship" with a person under his spiritual care, he is guilty of clergy sexual misconduct.

Even though it is easier for some to believe that the woman caused the pastor to “fall into sexual temptation,” the pastor should have maintained professional boundaries to prevent clergy sexual misconduct from occurring. A professional code of conduct should be in place for exactly this reason, and that code of conduct should have been enforced and supported by fellow leaders, who hold one another accountable. Proper leadership training and keeping professional boundaries will help prevent CSM from occurring.

Furthermore, CSM is not an “affair” but is actually abuse. Learn more about CSM, how it happens, and how you can respond in a productive, responsible way without victim shaming and blaming.

Question: “The pastor in our church was caught cheating with a church member’s wife. Although she is an adult and admits to participating in a sexual relationship with the pastor and lying to cover it up, she is now claiming that she is a ‘victim’ of clergy sexual abuse and that there was no ‘mutual consent.’ However, she says that she was neither raped nor molested. How is she a victim if she willingly took part in adultery, lying, and hypocrisy? It seems to me that she is clearly as culpable as the pastor, as ‘it takes two to tango,’ and I think her crying ‘victim’ is wrong and dangerous.”

Answer: Before answering this question, it is important to understand the gospel and how it applies to you, a fellow church member, in this situation. The gospel teaches us that God sent His Son, Jesus, as a sacrifice for sin and that no one deserves God’s forgiveness, but that it is given by grace (Rom. 3:23 ESV, 5:8, 6:23). Grace means undeserved favor. Jesus suffered an excruciating death on the cross, died, and rose again so that we can receive God’s love and forgiveness (1 Cor. 15:3–4). We are all undeserving (Eph. 2:8–9).

The Bible teaches us that this grace we have received should always be at the forefront of our minds when we feel that we have been wronged (Eph. 4:31–32). When we feel that someone has lied to us and been hypocritical, we must also remember that we have been forgiven much. This changes our disposition to that of genuine humility. From a place of humility, we can listen better with the goal of genuinely understanding so that we can respond with grace—the same grace that we have received.

If you have gone to the Lord in prayer and feel that you are in a place where you are ready to listen and learn about adult clergy sexual abuse (ACSA)/clergy sexual misconduct (CSM), you can read about what this form of abuse is and how it happens. You will come to understand why a so-called "sexual relationship” between a spiritual leader and follower is, in fact, an abuse of power and authority as the power dynamics are shifted in favor of the leader. Mutual consent cannot be given when one person holds more power and authority over the other. You will also learn about how the victim’s mental state is altered through a sexual grooming process and why so many victims stay silent for so long.

It is unfortunately common for those witnessing the aftermath of clergy sexual misconduct to judge the victim harshly and demand that he or she be treated the same as the spiritual leader who preyed on him or her. Many times victims are called upon to explain themselves well before they have been able to properly process what has happened to them. This further traumatizes the victim.

Spectators must understand that the victim would not have made these decisions of her own volition but that she was heavily influenced by the person she vulnerably trusted. The leader in power, on the other hand, had the authority to maintain his professional boundaries but did not. If it becomes evident that the pastor did, in fact, groom and prey on the victim, then it is clear that he is the one who is dangerous—not the victim. Her rightly calling herself a victim is not dangerous. Discouraging silent victims of abuse from speaking up by vilifying the victim is dangerous. With that in mind, the focus should not be on the supposed “sin” of the victim but the sin of the predator, who may have more victims who haven’t spoken up yet or who might victimize again.

Allowing the victim time to process what has happened to her and not further traumatizing her will help her in the healing process. It will take time and professional help for her to process what happened. Praying for the victim instead of demanding that the victim confesses to what you think is sinful will serve her much better and send a positive message to possible victims who are still too scared to speak out.

Your choice to apply grace patiently to this situation will glorify God and help victims speak up and heal.

Learn more about how the church can respond properly to incidences of CSM.

If you are deeply affected by the discovery of CSM in your church or toward your loved one, learn more about receiving counseling for healing.

Question: “A preacher, who I greatly respect, takes issue with adult women who claim to be ‘victims of abuse’ after they were involved in a sexual relationship with their pastor. I am inclined to agree with him because he is an excellent Bible teacher and a godly man. Why should I believe otherwise?”

Answer: Preachers, teachers, apologists, seminary professors, and the like may all possess excellent skills in Bible exposition and instructing others in the faith, especially if they have spent years receiving higher education and professional training. However, an education in expositing scripture and training in church leadership does not mean that they are adequately educated in the various forms of sexual abuse and how to properly respond to it.

In fact, in recent times, there has been a major media focus on how churches have further traumatized victims of sexual abuse and covered it up. There is no shortage of news coverage highlighting the failures of the church to respond properly to sex abuse. It is evident that there is a lack of education among church leaders on the subject, and many people have been deeply hurt, traumatized, and have even abandoned the faith altogether. 

Thankfully, there are well-equipped ministries specifically designed to help educate church leaders on the reality of clergy sexual misconduct (CSM)/adult clergy sexual abuse (ACSA) and how to prevent and respond to it. Learn more about how church leaders can become educated and ensure that their church is a safer place to worship.

Besides a lack of training in dealing with sexual abuse, some pastors may hesitate to use the word victim because they think it will somehow cause other women to accuse men of sexual abuse without warrant. This fear of false accusations arising is unfounded as victims lying about sexual abuse is rare. Research on the topic of false reporting teaches us that “misconceptions about false reporting rates have direct, negative consequences and can contribute to why many victims don’t report sexual assaults.” Instead of attempting to discredit victims, pastors can appropriately safeguard themselves and those they serve by putting official clergy sexual misconduct policies in place, as well as ensuring that church leadership and staff are educated properly and held accountable to the stated standards.

Additionally, some pastors may personally know a spiritual leader who has been accused of clergy sexual misconduct. They may have great respect for the man accused, which makes it difficult for them to admit that this leader may be guilty of sexual abuse. By discrediting the claims of the victim and insisting that she mutually consented to the sexual acts, it lessens the charge against the leader, whom they esteem. It is also typical for the offending leader to have narcissistic qualities, including charm and manipulation, which works to his advantage when convincing other leaders with a platform that the so-called "sexual relationship” was consensual.

No spiritual leader is 100 percent perfect in their understanding of scripture, and many leaders are simply uneducated about sexual abuse. Knowing this, it is best to consult experts in the field of sexual abuse advocacy instead of looking solely to Bible teachers and pastors for clarification on the topic of abuse. There are many well-educated Christian leaders who work on behalf of sexual abuse victims who are better sources of information regarding clergy sexual misconduct. Extensive research by Christians has been conducted on this subject, and academic articles by Christian authors have been written, which you can readily access and learn from.

Lastly, before you consider resharing what the pastor you respect said about the situation in a public forum, remember that when people speak out against victims and focus on discrediting them, they send a tacit message to other abuse victims that speaking up will be met with harsh criticism. Every person with a platform, especially leaders, should consider this before making uninformed statements that will only serve to hurt and silence victims. You can choose to be a positive, well-informed influence for God’s glory.

Learn about CSM and how you can respond in a Christlike, helpful fashion.